Recent R&R (Ramblings & Reflections)

*Updated 2x*

*Important Update*:

Just wanted to provide an update that late this afternoon I learned I will be allowed to stay put here for an additional month, moving my move out date to June 22nd (2006).

Thus, this provides an extra four (4) weeks, making it a full seven (7) weeks until I am due to vacate these Winter digs of mine (long Winter its been, eh).

It was a big surprise, but really good news. It is funny how today has been slowly evolving into a better day. Feels good.

As a result, I have attempted to edit the below blog post accordingly (employing strike-thru's and bracketts).

-- mwb

My hat hanging on the inside of my Winter abode

Yesterday (Monday, May 1, 2006) marked my having just three[seven] weeks remaining before I am due to move out and on from what has been my Winter quarters for the second year in a row.

It has been great to have somewhere to stay, especially this time around, as -- having moved in on October 22nd (2005) -- I [will have] had a total of seven[eight] months, which provided[s] one[two] more month[s] than last season.

Besides the fact that I have not been able to get online a lot (since my laptop only works when it wants to and, that is not too much these days) [prior to learning about the extra month extension], I also have not really been in a mood to do so anyway, because of being preoccupied with where to go and what to do once I leave here.

For the last ten (10) days I ha[d]ve rarely left my room or, done much else, but attempt to rest, sleep and think a bit. Yet, with quite a lot of those thoughts of mine being rather gloomy and dark -- worse case scenario stuff -- it makes it extremely difficult to actually rest, sleep, think or doing anything meaningful at times (and, based on previous experiences [of mine], in my case medication and involuntary shock treatment not only didn't help [in my case], it usually[these] made such experiences to[only] become much worse; so, as it concerns yours truly anyway (i.e., me), do not even go there, because I certainly will not).

The truth is, just like any other time when I have had to face such experiences in the past -- including the first episode, I am not looking forward to becoming homeless yet again.

Now I have twenty[fifty] (20[50]) days or so with which to figure certain things out as well as potentially find a place to stay or, otherwise trim down on what few belongings I possess for when things become fluid and there is the need to be more mobile.

While it may not seem to be anything new to me, like I said last year and maybe the year before as well, I am getting too old for all this; yet no wiser, because I have not a clue as to what to do about it.

It is not simply a matter of one's frame of mind, attitude, motivation or whatever either. If it was, I would *not* have experienced living homeless over and over as has been the case off and on from that first time around.

No one other than myself knows how much a place of my own means to me and how much I deplore being without one. The only thing I hate and fear worse, is being utterly and completely dependent on others for what are my basic human needs; been there, done that, one too many times.

Understand me, homelessness has never been something I have ever chosen, yet whenever faced with it, I have always tried to live through it and survive it as best I could manage; and, I cannot say I have done all that good in doing so either, especially given how much it has taken out of me every time, with the very deep inner scars within my soul I have as a result.

Although I do not feel I have any reason to hold onto such hope, I am not without hope.

Truth be told, I could never any more give up hope and hoping, than I could give up breathing. Having either very little or no control over such things or much else anyway, I simply take in and savor each breath and use it as best I can. The same goes for hope and hoping, at least for this particular dreamer.

What I have found to be crucial to remind ourselves when it comes to such thing however, is just like with breathing, hope and hoping is not something to be done passively. Just like with breathing, hope is not something to take for granted.

Rather, it is something each person needs to be more conscience of, vigorously exercise and actively maintain or else, especially during the toughest of circumstances and experiences, little by little it eventually is prone to die within us and ourselves with it.

None of this is anything new, yet it is something I seem to have to constantly remind myself of over and over, so I *never* ever give up; especially, when like now, I am too close to doing so -- something far too easy to do, especially when one feels like they are isolated and alone, adrift or marooned on an island with either little or no hope of being rescued or otherwise rescuing ourselves.

Thus, this is part of why I have equipped myself with certain life preservers in the form of little cues and reminders of what is possible as well as what I have, with which to hold onto and call to mind during those trying times when it is else wise easy to forget what there is to *live* for and, just as importantly, why.

Because, as crucial as surviving may be, it is not enough to merely survive.

If I have learned nothing else of import within my first half century of living within this lifetime, I have at least learned that much and, am of course still learning these and related lessons in living.

Peace.

*Note*: Made several edits for the purposes of clarification and readability; added an important update and made several additional edits as a result for clarification and readability; last updated on Tuesday, May 2, 2006 at 6:44 PM [EDT].